This week I turned 34. It seems like yesterday that Sam, my brother, and I were celebrating our joint birthdays in Egypt and I just finished crying because they sang that song… you know.. THE “h.b.” song. I don’t know why but that song gives me the creeps. Who’s the sociopath that came up with that? Anywho, moving on. I’ve been reminiscing on my 33rd year and what I’ve done with it so I decided to share my personal takeaways and struggles with all of you, cuz why not.

TAKEAWAYS

My ego gets in the way of my self-esteem.

• That’s probably the biggest thing I have learned this year. I’ve been roaming around this planet thinking I have great self-esteem but boy was I fooled, I’ve just been walking around with a great ego that actually pushed away my self-esteem. Ego is that thing that boosted my self-pity, made me linger in pain without self-realization or growth. It’s the “Why would this and how could this happen to me?!” the “How dare he/she/they not think about the situation from my point of view"?”. Ego is also my reactor, that explosive fire that has made me so unnecessarily angry over the years. I’ve forgotten who I truly was and let petty things stand in the way of my self-development. But I learned, sadly not through the best of ways, that I have been standing in the way of my own happiness this WHOLE TIME! Finding the patience to analyze situations holistically and taking the time to truly put myself in others’ shoes takes tons of practice, but it’s so worth it! Nothing/no one should chip away at my persona or affect who I am. I am still intelligent, creative, loving and passionate. So goodbye ego and hello self-esteem.

I can freak’n do this!

• I can own, run and succeed at having my own business! I’ve been struggling for so long with my career identity, mainly because NOTHING was satisfying me. I developed the skills necessary to do whatever job, then disappointed at the amount of politics, hoops, chutes and ladders that I have to go through just to show my value. I’m going to say it.. I hate the idea of working for the man. Hate it! It’s just not what I’m supposed to be doing. Ever since I was a kid, I was always making stuff.. hats, purses, paintings, making up stories (teehee). I’ve always known internally that I need to be my own boss but wasn’t sure what stopped me. Maybe it was the courage to just do it, or maybe because my vision wasn’t clear, afraid of losing money.. not sure. Point is, one night this year, the fire to actually push this company forward was lit under my butt. I couldn’t sleep, work, focus on anything but what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. The next day, I did it. I just decided to start somewhere, I created a list of everything I needed to do to get the site going, to advertise myself, what I wanted to focus on, how to bring clients in, what I wanted my brand to be.. and I did it! It’s no where near where I want it to be but the biggest takeaway I learned is to just…. show…..up!

Cherish each day.

• This seems pretty generic but I really mean it. I keep thinking back about certain moments during the year and the thought of “man, I can’t believe that was THIS year!” reiterates itself. I am pretty open about my dad’s dementia and that thought happens with him a lot! There were moments earlier in the year where him and I had a conversation, he was able to do simple things like wash dishes or talk on the phone.. those are just memories now, memories that happened THIS year; crazy right? I think back about friends and times we’ve shared together and how certain situations change where seeing them would be more difficult. How my younger brother was just enlisted in the Navy and now he’s flying jets and about to be a dad! So yeah, cherishing each day has really been hitting home recently and with everything going on in the world, its value has significantly increased in my life.

STRUGGLES

I pick my face.

• My best friend can attest to this.. actually, my husband too.. but I’ve been saying I’m going to quit picking my face for every damn New Year’s resolution! I don’t know how to stop, the idea of having a pimple of sorts lingers on my brain for hours if I don’t take care of it. So yeah, I have a problem and need help 😂. Your ideas are encouraged unless it’s something lame like put hot sauce on your fingers, to which, I’d like you to go sit in the corner and think about your life.

Finding time.

• It just feels like I’m always out of time. I wake up and create a list of everything I want to get done for the day. I’ll get to almost everything but I noticed that I tend to sacrifice my personal time for other things. It’s not that the “other things” aren’t important, maybe that’s my issue. I view them as more of a priority than self-development. For instance, I’m obsessive-compulsive when it comes to the house being clean; I can’t work or focus if I know that the living room is messy or our bed isn’t made or there’s a pile of papers somewhere that need to be put away. I’m nuts, I know. And so, I’d rather take care of that than use that time to meditate or do Yoga or read a book. So it’s one of my goals for my 34th year.. take care of me. That and get close to having a 6-pack. I said CLOSE!